the difference between poison and medicine is the dose.

I think Dana is getting me sick. NO BUENO. I tried calling into work today, but there is no one that would want to pick up a lead food run shift. Fuck it. I was there until midnight last night, and will be there way past tonight. I also work a double on Sunday with my next day off being Thursday. UGHHH. I need the money, but I am so tired. I don't want to do anything but lounge around. I should be enjoying this nice weather while we have it, but I am just so tired all the time. 

Blah. I want to have a 50's movie night or something. I want to do something fun that doesnt involve going to bars. So lets make it happen!


 

 I love her to death:

Holy balls, its September 1st. Time has really flew by this summer. Chicago seems like so long ago. I don't miss the stress of Chicago at all, but I do miss the music scene and the town itself. Work has been pretty slow this week so far, which kinda sucks because I need money for rent and bills. I have the next three days to make as much as I can. 

I need to make a 5 year plan. I have so many things I want to do in life and I need to make a plan to get there.
Things I know for sure:

1. I need to finish school.
2. I need a career.
3. I want to move to the west coast.
4. I want to be able to buy a house.
5. I want a steady paying job
6. I never want to have to serve again.


Things to look forward to in the next few months-

1. Brand New in Chicago
2. Bon Iver @ The Riverside.
3. New Paramore.
4. Alyssa's birthday
5. Halloween
6. Dana's birthday
7. New Dexter/Californication/Greys Anatomy
8. Work getting busier!


I got a free piece of cheesecake tonight. NOM.

 

 

Stoked on my new tattoo. Such good work. 

Dana and I went to a Brewer's game tonight with his family. It started out rough, but ended up being a good night. Ryan Braun is such a babe. Haha.

The last two days have been pretty nice, Dana and I have gotten to spend a bunch of time together. We were at his parents last night for dinner with the Germans and his aunt and uncle. It was nice, but his uncle TALKED MY EAR OFF. Haha, I know he means well, but DAMN.
Dana and I really need a new group of friends. Or friends for that matter. 

People in our society really piss me off. I am not well versed in politics, but it really pisses me off when people expect the government to take care of them and not work for anything. Nothing is free. My parents work so hard for the money they have and it pisses me off when they get taxed more money so people who are lazy as fuck and dont want to get off thier ass and look for a job get paid for doing nothing all day. I get taxed a shit ton and reap no benefits. I work my ass off to support people who do not deserve it. 

Enough about that. I work everyday until i dont even know when. Which I guess is okay, I don't really hate my job so much anymore, but its just exhausting. 


Hopefully seeing H2 tomorrow night.

I really, really love Death Cab for Cutie. I fall in love with them more each time I listen to them.
I am thinking about getting tattooed tomorrow, I really need one. I want lyrics, but cant decide which ones.

I also want an old school anchor.

I just wish I had a ton of money to get all the tattoos I want.

Phooey. 

 I am so exhausted. I worked a double today and I work a double tomorrow. I don't have a day off until Friday and Dana and I are going to a Brewers game with his family. That should be pretty awesome, if the weather is nice.

I really miss Madison. I miss driving to see Dana and hanging out around the city. I dont know what it is about the city, but I just really, really miss being there. 

I'm pretty stoked that Target is having a rad sale on underwear right now, $2! I totally bought a bunch. 


I should get some sleep before I have to wake up and work ALL day, AGAIN.


Oh HI, Blake Lively, You are such a babe. Sigh...

 Just saw Inglorious Basterds. OMFG. So good. Eli Roth and Brad Pitt are such babes. I would let them do bad, dirty things to me.



I worked from 9:30am until 8:15pm. I am so sore. My shoulders hurt so much it makes me want to cry. I need a massage therapist to live with us. Or some really awesome pain killers. 

Life is so funny sometimes, and people are batshit crazy. I just sit back and LOL. 



Sleep til forever.

I think I got my dates wrong, oh well. I guess thats what happens when all my days just run together. 
I am so tired today. I went out to Hi Hat last night with the Lindseys and Matt. That was so much fun. They are so nice! I would totally hang out with them on the regular. Waking up today though was hard. My eyes are still halfway shut.

Going to Dana's aunts birthday party in a little bit. Should be a good time!

 

It feels really good to sleep in until 12. I haven't been able to sleep in at all since we moved back really. I'm really not all that thrilled to go to work today. It's NMRO ( New menu roll out) day so, all the bigwigs of the company are going to be there. I hate when that happens, I feel like they are all watching me and judging me. Luckily, or maybe not luckily, I am food running tonight. I really hope I can get out of there somewhat early tonight. Food running makes me want to vomit. I food run Saturday morning too. LAME. Hopefully I can be first out so I can go to Dana's family party. That would be nice. I think we need some good family, quality time together.


Well, off I go.

I decided that I am going to write in this thing everyday, even if I have nothing to say. I keep things bottled up way too much and need to get out my feelings/ideas/etc somewhere.

I thought that moving back to Milwaukee would mean that things would be different. In reality it has been the same shit, different city. I don't know why I thought it would be any different. I still worry about money, even more so now then before. I feel even worse about my appearance. I feel disconnected from Dana. I don't see him nearly as much as I used to. I have become even more insecure. I also feel like I don't have any friends. I don't feel like I have anyone I can go to about anything. I know that sounds shitty but its true. Everyone has a million other things going on and doesn't seem to give a shit. So is life I guess. I have my cat, so that's okay with me.

I had a breakdown about two weeks ago, due to the fact that I let everything build up into a huge clusterfuck and exploded on Dana in the Ma Fishers parking lot. I felt AWESOME about it... NOT. It was the mixture of my lack of self confidence, my lack of money, the hatred of my job and finding out that my family may be moving to North Carolina. I would be lost if they moved away.


I really wish that I saw Dana more. I wish that I felt like he found me attractive and appealing. The lack of sex really makes me feel like he doesn't think I am sexually appealing to him. I have never had a problem getting my other boyfriends to have sex with me, why is it so hard with him? I mean, am I that ugly? I know part of it is his meds and I get that but what I don't get is why he doesn't ever initiate sex. I always have to and its depressing. I just always get the feeling that he will leave me, or is seeing someone else. I don't think he would cheat on me, but if he did, it would ruin me. I think that the lack of affection makes me think crazy things. I make up crazy reasons and think the worst all the time. I WISH I WASNT CRAZY.

Well, I think thats enough for now. Off to watch more Mad Men and probably crash. Work allll weekend. FUN.